A Day in the Life

I’ve been unemployed for a week. What have I done with my days?

• Updated my LinkedIn profile
• Called, DM’d, Facebook’d, emailed and phoned people who have been wishing me well
• Went to the gym
• Turned my resume into a PDF
• Cooked
• Volunteered to help out with Twestival Austin
• Turned my resume into a Word doc
• Went to the gym
• Added people to LinkedIn
• Went to a GeekAustin party
• Cooked
• Updated my LinkedIn profile
• Went to the gym
• Called, DM’d, Facebook’d, emailed and phoned people who have been wishing me well
• Cried endlessly over the generous and gushing recommendations people have written about me
• Attended a Social Media Breakfast
• Went to the gym
• Updated my LinkedIn profile
• Cooked 
• Cried endlessly over the generous and gushing blogs people wrote about me
• Asked and accepted to be interviewed for 45 Interviews in 45 Days with Aaron Strout
• Updated my LinkedIn Profile
• I have not blogged

For now… we’re eating well.

Getting Fired

I have never been laid off (yet – tomorrow is a new day). But this one time, at a crappy job, I did get fired.

I was working for a start-up in Silicon Valley in the late 90s that had just gone public. We made color fax software. So I’m working in marketing at this color fax software company that had just gone public and one day this guy walks in.

He’s wearing white leather shoes. Turns out, he’s from Florida. Following him in the door is a very large man with an obvious gun in his belt. So we’ve got Miami mafia and his gun-touting bodyguard in our little color fax software office in Silicon Valley. He starts telling people randomly that they are fired (Time lines are compressed for dramatic effect).

Turns out, he had bought up the majority of our stock and he was “taking over”. Or something like that. Miami mafia sat in what was the CEOs office with his white leather shoes on the desk and his bodyguard sitting silently nearby, barking orders at people. He was lovely.

A few days into Miami mafia’s reign as king of color fax software, we received 3 draft layouts for our first annual report from the designers. He starts yelling and swearing and calling us all idiots. “What a fucking waste of money!” “Who ordered this shit?” “Where is that marketing girl?” Yes, he called me “girl”. The bodyguard came out and nodded his head in the direction of the office.

“Yes?” I ask.

“What the fuck is this?”, he politely asks.

“Those are layouts of our annual report”, I state. The large envelope that they had been delivered in was lying face up on his desk labeled, “Annual report”. I’m questioning his reading skills.

“Who fucking ordered them?”, he asks respectfully.

“The VP of marketing.” D’uh.

“Why the fuck would he spend money to have the annual report printed in German?”

Pause

Blink

“Huh?” I ask with my head cocked to one side like a confused puppy.

“German!” And he authoritatively thrusts the drafts into my hands.

I look at the layouts. The layouts are just that, layouts. Layouts with “greeking” in them. He thinks this is German. I don’t know why he jumped to German. The herculean effort it took to not outwardly laugh, impressive.

“This is not German. It’s called “greeking”…. ” Choke, cough, remember the guy with the gun.

The question about Greek came next.

This exchange ended with him swearing at me and telling me that if I left the building before this was sorted out, I was fired.

And that’s the time I was fired.

7 things you may (or may not) know about me

My good friend Stephen O’Grady has tagged me to blog about the 7 things you may or may not know about me. It’s pretty difficult to have blogged and Twittered about oneself and still have 7 things that people don’t know, so I am searching my childhood repressed memories for material.

1. I have virtually no baby toenail. Just this horrible little nub of a thing that should qualify me for a discount on pedicures.
2. I can play any instrument I pick up. I don’t excel at it, but if you show a few chords on a guitar, I can play it. A flute, violin, piano, drums, anything. I get an immediate sense of false talent. I own a guitar that I don’t know how to play, yet I am better at the real guitar than at the Guitar Hero version. My latest endeavor is Dance Dance Revolution, it’s like foot drums.
3. I suffer from allergies, asthma, lactose intolerance, dry skin, and straight hair. I wear glasses, had braces, and I’m short. I have been told at different times in my life that I look like Demi Moore, Liza Minelli, and my brother.
4. I have never been convicted of a felony. The evidence didn’t hold up in court. Of course I’m kidding, I’ve never been caught!
5. I have always wanted to be a blond. I would love to know, first hand, if blonds have more fun. I have a lot of fun and any more fun is probably illegal (see #4).
6. I got my nose pierced in Sydney Australia in 1991. I wear a stud, not a hoop. Wearing a hoop makes me cross-eyed. I still wear the stud for two reasons: 1, I forget it is there and 2, because the hole in my nose is not nearly as sparkly as the stud. Yes, it collects boogers. Nuff said.
7. I was abducted by aliens – I don’t know when or where I went or what happened to me or for how long. Nor do I have any scars, marks, implants, or otherwise. Like I said, it’s repressed.

Rules of this game according to SOG:

• Link to your original tagger(s) and list these rules in your post.
• Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
• Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
• Let them know they’ve been tagged.

I tag:

1. Maggie Fox @maggiefox Blog
2. Michelle Greer @michellegreer Blog
3. whurley @whurley Blog
4. Simon Phipps @webmink Blog
5. John Mark Walker @johnmark Blog
6. Steve Lau @stevel Blog
7. James Governor @monkchips Blog

Neighborhood door-to-door Felons

Two gentlemen showed up at our door tonight. According to their realistic-sounding stories, they are both felons, both from inner-city Chicago neighborhoods, grew up with no families, surrounded by gangs, foster home to foster home, both have small children, both are trying to improve their lives for their sakes and for that of their children. Their politeness was unparelleled, their story well-rehearsed, their interest in my story authentic. They work for a company called, “Better Horizons”. I think. It’s unimportant in reality. They are going door-to-door selling magazine subscriptions.

The company provides them with points for subscriptions. 3 subscriptions = 200 points. Points add up to a promotion – and, “you know how good you felt about yourself when you got promoted”. They asked about my first job. They both started as “pharmacutical salesmen – not the legal kind”. They asked about my motivation to get where I am today, wherever that might be. They showed tremendous interest. I liked them.

Magazine subscriptions are sold for cash or check. The list of magazines is small. Their story was heart-wrenching and real, but I don’t have cash or checkbook. So I just apologized and made like I was heading in for dinner. Then they asked, “do you have any old laptops you’d like to get rid of? A laptop of any quality would be invaluable in our job training.” At that point I noticed that they were carrying bags with them containing 3 laptops. I was so engrossed in their story, I hadn’t really paid attention. I also remembered an IBM Thinkpad I have in the back of a closet circa 1999. And I say, “yeah, I’ve got a laptop. Come back in 2 hours and I’ll have it ready for you.”

Win win! They get computer equipment without having to commit any more felonies and I get rid of a worthless antique collecting dust in a closet.

I applaud the initiative. More power to ya, my neighborhood door-to-door felons!